


Guilt

by MMonster



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Daydreaming, F/M, It totally got away from me, It was NOT supposed to be this perverse, Murder Fantasy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Fantasy, Spike/Buffy is not the focus, Why do I keep writing things like this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 10:37:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11965683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMonster/pseuds/MMonster
Summary: Spike's fantasies.





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags, please, :)

At first, it was mostly a weird mannerism. During the initial phase of permanent hunger and aggression simmering under his skin with no outlet when he was de-fanged, Spike had gotten into the almost nostalgic habit of staring at people's necks when they weren't looking. The skin there is usually thinner than the rest of the body, and there is so much blood circulating on the area that for a vampire it is almost visible. It's where the smell of the blood in the veins underneath the skin is the strongest, and if he is close enough Spike can also literally hear it running there. Aside that, one other self-torturing habit emerged. Spike greatly enjoyed imagining what he would do to the humans around him (especially the Slayer and her friends) if suddenly the chip stopped working and he knew. He loved picturing the shocked look of Slutty's face when he ripped her neck open. The fear in their eyes as he killed one by one. He wondered if he would turn any of them, and liked to speculate on how they would be as vampires. Sometimes in his fantasies he captured Buffy and forced her to watch as he killed her friends and mentor, making it all last. Sometimes he killed her first, and then made his away through the others in a rampage. Sometimes she wasn't the focus at all, and he made the Watcher watch as he tortured and killed his underlings, his precious Slayer. Sometimes he turned the witch and then gloated from the side as he watched her murder everyone who loved her. Sometimes he turned Buffy and watched her do it, or the watcher. And, sometimes, he just wished fervently that he could kill one human. Just one measly human, anyone really, didn't matter. Just so he could scratch at the itch deep in his bones that was constantly driving him crazy.

But then, he found out that he could hurt demons. So hurt them he did. The Scoobies didn't think much of that fact at the time, except for it being something that could make the vampire potentially useful for them, but for Spike it was a turning point. He was suddenly free to hurt something, and the relief when he did... It was an indescribably pleasurable feeling. To be cherished, truly. And, it surprisingly made him a bit more amenable towards the gits. He didn't love them just because he could go out with them on their little adventures and get to bet up a bunch of uglies, but he stopped imagining their grisly and painful deaths at his hands - and fangs - quite as often. He still did occasionally - as in, everyday - but not with the same obsessive intent previous.

One thing, however, that this change in his situation didn't do for Spike was quench his literal thirst for blood. Vampires can drink from a few types of demons with no harm, yes, but their blood is not as nutritive or anywhere as delicious as even the worst blood one can get from an alive human, except from other vampires. So, with his craving for violence as sated as it could be by demons, Spike got rid of one itch, and with it one type of weird habit he had changed. But it didn't go entirely away. In the past, violence was something that rarely happened by itself for Spike. It could, and he would greatly enjoy it, but it usually went with blood, or sex, or both. Now, Spike had neither. Of course, he could pick up some girl in a bar by pretending to be human, and have sex. But it wasn't very fun really, not when the chip stopped him from being violent in anyway during the act, like biting her. He could try a demon girl, and he would, but vampires treated him like a pariah these days and he liked his partners humanoid, so a female Fyarl demon just wouldn't do. So, as with the human blood, he went without it.

Therefore, Spike's previous torture/murder fantasies turned more sexual. Not that they weren't before. Spike knew that rape was one of the worst torture for humans; girls were raised to be afraid of it and behave like it was a "fate worst than death" kind of thing, which made it so sweet to inflict on them. Boys were raised to think it would never happen to them, so their shock when it did was exquisite. But it had always taken a backseat to the murder before. Now, along with the blood-drinking, it was the protagonist of his daydreams. It was not always rape though, per se, since there was a perverse pleasure that Spike could get from imagining himself successfully seducing an unwilling partner, and he did enjoy thinking about that too.

But, as Spike was often in contact with a specific, small group of humans that he hated with a fiery intensity, his fantasies continued to be mostly about hurting them. Is this case, as he refused to see Xander as worthy of anything more than his murder, Spike liked to wonder about the things he would do to Buffy, Willow, and even the Watcher, if he could. Seduce them, rape them, drink from them. Sometimes he did kill them, even if it was only as an afterthought. Sometimes he turned them. But mostly he just imagined himself enjoying their bodies to the fullest, their blood, their pain and their pleasure. They were sweet fantasies that left Spike with a raging hard-on and itching canines.

And, his neck-staring also got worse. He spent a lot of time with Buffy, beating demons and the such, but as a Slayer she always seemed to sense when he was looking at her, so it was hard for him to stare at her neck in a way she wouldn't notice. The Watcher was fun, but not the focus of Spike's attention, simply because despite being in a bad place, Giles wasn't a vulnerable person, he wouldn't be quite as fun to torture. So, Spike started catching himself staring at the witch quite often. She was always naturally distracted, would describe herself as a "spazz", and so she rarely noticed him discreetly inhaling her scent and watching her pulse on the side of the elegant pale column of her neck. She was also immense fun to torture, his verbal jabs often hurt her, and she took anything he said to her at face value. Spike imagined that having the opportunity to have her for himself to do with as he pleased would be quite something, since she was so responsive. But, at the same time, she wasn't weak. She would take hard whatever he dished at her, as she did in real life, but he would need much to actually break her. A perfect balance of vulnerable, open, soft and endurable, strong and resilient. She was also beautiful, which didn't hurt. Spike could be honest about the fact that enjoying a beautiful girl in the way vampires often do is by itself something to be cherished simply for them being beautiful. The better if they don't think they are, as Willow. Confidence is nice and all, but there is also something for the shyness inherent to those who don't have such a high opinion of themselves. 

Both the fantasies and the neck-staring don't go away. Not ever, not even when he falls for Buffy, not even when he gets a soul. They decrease drastically, of course, but by the time he has enough in him to feel guilty about them, they are such entrenched habits that he doesn't realize he is doing them until half-way through. Sometimes he blinks and notices he had been fixedly looking at Willow's neck for a while, even though he loves Buffy and desires her. The Slayer had trained him out of doing it to her since the beginning, giving him poisonous looks, verbal insults or punches to the face when she caught him leering. The witch never really noticed him enough to do the same, so when they are in the same room together and no one is paying much attention to Spike, his eyes slide to her on their own accord, his nose perceives the sweet smell of her magical blood and his ears pick up on the cadence of her heart pumping the liquid in her veins. Then, the fantasies are also automatic, and sometimes, only sometimes, Spike doesn't stop them when they start. His guilty soul makes them less dark, less violent, less like a betrayal of Buffy and Willow and himself, but he still has them, and they still leave him a weird mix of satisfied and so, _so_ hungry. He sees himself with her in his mind, both naked, her hot velvety skin sliding along his, her small body cradled by his arms, her moans on his ears, his cock and fangs buried deep, _deep_ within her. Sometimes he imagines that he clutches her a little too tight, penetrates her a little too early and a bit too hard, just enough to hurt so good and for her face to look pained. And she loves and wants it, of course, but it's just on the bad side of too much and maybe they are almost there and she asks him to stop or let up and he doesn't and she asks again and he keeps going and it hurts but then she comes so hard and the pain makes it so much more intense and then she just can't take anymore until he also comes and he all of him is buried in her and he feels her cunt and her smell and her skin and her blood and her heart and it's all her and all he can feel... And he actually comes.

He is not in love with Willow. Spike knows it, as strongly as he knows how much he loves Buffy. But sometimes Willow is all he can think about. And that is all that he can do to take the edge out of the tortured conflict that being a souled vampire entrails. The fact that he doesn't love her helps. He respects her, and considers her a friend. Wants her to be happy and would help her to be so as much as he could. But as he doesn't love her, it makes it just easy enough for him to picture himself hurting her. Using her. So deliciously. So pleasurably. When he fantasizes about Buffy, he fantasizes about making love. About building something together. About talking, and understanding and soft touches and loving actions. But when he fantasizes about Willow, he fantasizes about pleasure and pain and blood. And it hurts him that he can't seem to stop. And it hurts him more that he doesn't want to. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know, guys. I can't help myself.


End file.
